“All our best men are laughed at in this nightmare land.”
– Jack Kerouac

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Excerpt from my book “Trashed”

Chapter 10

Going down to Camilla’s place down in Soho today for a second rehearsal. We rehearsed a couple days ago and now we’re meeting another time before we have class. The last time I came over I ended up playing her guitar for her. She had this nice black acoustic guitar and after we tried running an exercise for a little while I noticed it and started playing it. She sat in front of me on a stool and I started playing a few songs that I had been working on. Then starting to sing to one of them and was looking at her and then saw that her eyes gazed at me a little as I was playing for a second.
Later we were sitting on her leather couch and trying to figure out what we were going to be rehearsing.
Sitting in her room that has the windows that look out to the garden area in the back. It’s not a very well maintained place back there. Mostly just trees and shrubs. Sitting on her white bed and looking in the tall standing mirror in the corner of the room.

“You must look at yourself a lot in here” I say.
“Huh” she says.
“I mean, you’re so beautiful” I say. “I’m not that bad looking though either right?” I say, looking in the mirror.
“No you’re not.” She says looking back at me.
A wave of emotion comes over me.
“Come on,” she says, “lets get to work”.

Sitting on the bed there we start to run a scene from a book that she has. She goes to a private acting coach also.

"The same one that Matt Dillon went to." she said earlier.

After we rehearse for a little while she wants to call it quits.
“I don’t know what happened the other day” she says talking about the last time we rehearsed going really long.
Something is different tonight. She seems distant.

* * *

Sitting in class the next week.

Camilla is up on the side of the bed with her black guitar tonight. After a little while of trying to tune it apparently she starts to strum the guitar. Whatever she is trying to play is somewhat indiscernible. After a little bit her new partner Kevin, who the teacher assigned to her after the last class and switched me away from, enters the room.
Camilla sits on the bed weakly strumming the guitar.
He stands there trying to get the exercise started.
“What you’re just gonna ignore me?” he says.
Camilla continues to strum and is still incapable of making any kind of discernible music.
“That’s rude” the guy says, looking at her.
“What do you want?” Camilla says, looking up at him.
“Keep playing your guitar” the teacher says, trying to slip it in.
“I need to learn this song” she says. Going back to the guitar and trying to play again.
Then after a little while of her playing the partner sits down on the bed. He says, “Sounds pretty good”.
“Good!” she says “You think this sounds Good!” Camilla says starting to erupt and then getting really frustrated and trying to play it still. She keeps trying to play.
“It’s horrible” she says, starting to break down.
“Keep playing Camilla” the teacher says trying to whisper it in there.
Her body starts to get really worked up as she’s still trying to play a little bit and then looking at the guy with serious anger in her eyes.
“What are you doing here? Huh?” She says erupting on him.
The guy is just sitting there somewhat gleefully. Then after a few more minutes of this Camilla storms him out of the room.

Getting ready for my exercise out in the hallway of the acting studio. Sitting there and thinking about James Dean and Marlin Brando. Thinking about them doing plays out here.
I was reading some books on them before. Reading about their lives and trying to model mine in that fashion a little bit as well.

* * *

Riding on the subway on my way into work today. I’m sick of having to ride this subway and look at all these stupid ugly people all the time, I’m thinking. Looking out the windows at the blackness outside. Trying to escape the subway car.

Working at the restaurant Pernod over in the summertime now. The doors are all opened up and the patios are open and its warm outside now.
Nice warm air coming through there.

Feeling like a failure and loser.
Looking out the windows at the city in the distance. I have to back in there tonight. I feel like shit.
I hate everything right now.

When I get down there before I go into work I give Camilla a call. I’m feeling completely shitty and thinking screw it, I’m going to tell her off. Feeling desperate and hopeless and thinking fuck it, I’m gonna call her and tell her off. I get all worked up as I am searching for her name and then calling her.
“I was just thinking about you” she says picking up.
“Really?” I say choking up.
“Yeah,” she says. “I was thinking how I wanted you to come over and play my guitar for me again”.
“Oh man.” I say. “I have to go into work right now”
“That’s too bad” she says.
I sit on the phone stunned for a minute. I’m all choked up.
“You’re quiet now” she says.
“So what should we do,” I start to say.
Then she makes a date with me to go to the park.

I feel exalted as I’m sitting in the server meeting. Feeling on cloud nine and not really worried about what’s gonna happen in here tonight. Kind of glowing with the customers later.

Sitting in my acting class tonight and watching some of the other students up there performing. I don’t feel like they’re all that good really. Sitting there, trying to watch them.

Camilla saying to me that I’m not really even trying to date her. After I had been pressing her to come out with me.
“You’re not like trying to romance me or anything” she said.

Chapter 11

One day I give her “The Garden of Eden” by Ernest Hemingway. I bought a new copy of it at the bookstore the other day for her. I laid it on her chair while she was up performing. I had thought about writing her something in the infold but I didn’t. I put some of the flowers that I was using for my scene inside and laid it on her chair while she was up performing. Daisies I had bought earlier at the bodega that made me think of her when I saw them.
Her face lights up when she sees the book and the flowers. I cant believe how happy she looks. I had no idea that she would react so much. She looks flushed and happy and then thanks me. She kisses me on the cheek.
“Daisies are my favorite flowers” she says.
The next group is going up now.

Later on in class I see Camilla reading the book.
“I want to have coffee and eggs like that”, she says.
I start thinking that maybe someday the two of us will. Maybe we’ll live in the Riviera together someday, I’m thinking. Like Fitzgerald.

* * *

Last night in the room everything was clean and perfect. He imagines that he is the Ralph Lauren model now. I want my whole room to be Ralph Lauren. The white sheets. He showers and while he is showering he sends Camilla a text message. Putting the phone back at the counter and trying not to get it wet. Hoping that she will respond to him and that possibly she will come over tonight and spend the night with you.
She was going to meet up with someone after class tonight she said. I begged her to take a cab ride with me. I got insane about it. I ended up taking a cab ride home by myself though instead. Riding over the bridge at night and seeing the city all lit up and all the buildings from the east river. It looks romantic again. The way it looked when you first moved here.
Camilla tells you to take it easy. She says that you need to relax right now. Just having her respond is enough for you right now it seems.
Laying in the bed later feeling clean and fresh he’s looking out the window to the city warm night sky as a gentle breeze brushes over him he thinks about Camilla going to bed somewhere else. Lying back in the dark on the soft clean sheets imagining her.

* * *

Sitting at this one bodega by my class in Midtown. Sitting in the upstairs area. I came up here because I had an hour to kill before class. I Drinking a nice cold Budweiser out of a can. Nice and refreshing. Escaping from the heat. Sitting upstairs here. Going in to class to run my scene again even though I’ve already done it fine. I did it twice already and I don’t really feel like doing it again. I want to be doing it for real. Doing it on a movie set in front of cameras or something. I’m wasting all of my talent.

* * *

Waking up early in the morning and deciding to say screw it and try to go out to Atlantic City. I need to get the hell out of here, I was thinking. I take the subway to Penn Station and buy a ticket for the next bus out to Atlantic City.
Maybe this is a bad idea, I’m thinking. Waiting in line. Losing courage a little bit. Then I just try to focus on the goal at hand. Thinking about the motorcycle that I am trying to win. Thinking about never having to return to my shit job again. Freedom, I’m thinking. I get pumped up and think this is it. This is my opportunity right here.
Riding on the bus and going out there. I can’t remember the last time that I actually got out of New York. It’s been over a year of being in the city without leaving. I didn’t go home for Christmas this year. My family came out to visit me instead.
Looking out the window of the bus and being surrounded by nothing but trees. I send Camilla a message. Asking her how she’s doing.

The trees are so beautiful. Just like Hemingways. You write her in a text message.

Where r u?

On a bus. Going to Atlantic City.

Ur crazy.

I’m going to win the motorcycle.
She doesn’t write anything back to me after that.

Looking at all the trees. You can’t remember the last time you got out of the city. It’s been a whole year now, I’m thinking. Hardly even believing that.

Trying to go and win the money for the motorcycle in Atlantic City right now.
It feels really good actually being on the bus. I haven’t been out of the city in over a year now. Is that right? I cant even believe it. I was stuck there that whole time. Getting out and being surrounded by all the trees now. Seeing nothing but trees. It’s really amazing.

They give you twenty bucks to play with. As part of the round trip bus fare deal so ends up coming out to be pretty inexpensive. Trying to win this goddamn motorcycle. I need 5,000 dollars. I have to freaking win it

Heading back later. I gambled for about an hour and lost a hundred bucks. Caught the evening bus back to the city. I get two seats to myself which is nice. Laying down on the seats and taking a nap as the sun is setting.

Having a date to go meet up in the park.

Then it rains that day and we don’t go.

Then summer is on its way. I’m working a little more these days.


Acting program ending.

All I wanna do is buy a motorcycle and drive away on it.

Drinking a lot in the summertime. Having a bottle of Jim Beam in my freezer all the time and drinking chilled whiskey in the heat. Nice and refreshing.
Really hates being stuck in the city. Working all the time. Having terrible Jock-itch from having to work out on the paito all those days wearing those damn dark denim levi jeans. Had to go to the doctor eventually and get some cream for it.

Sitting in my apartment with my roommate Helda in the summer.
These warm tropical-like summer rain showers.

* * *

Feeling so pissed off about everything right now.

I feel like getting fucking hammered as hell right now.

Texting Camilla later on during the server meeting. I’m asking her what she’s doing right now.

On my way to the Hamptons. She writes. The traffic is so terrible.

Damn It All-- I’m thinking.
I feel like getting hammered right now.


Feeling pretty low as I’m waiting on my section of tables that is in the corner of the bar. “Yeah Yeah Yeah,” I’m saying. “I got your drinks right here” Im saying to myself. All these pushy ass customers. Fuck all of you people, I’m thinking. I fucking hate all of you! I’m just taking orders from people. Feeling like shit and trying to get to some white wine but had to hold off on my drinking because I don’t have time to even do a shot of wine now because my section is completely full and just keeps getting re-sat. It’s too busy for a drink. After a couple hours of working and being completely subdued and feeling insanely low, I am feeling completely pathetic and thinking how bad I don’t want to be here. How pathetic this is. What if Camilla could see this right now, I’m thinking. What was I thinking. I’m such a nobody.
Asking Tony, the bartender with all the tattoos, for a drink a little later.
“What happened to you Brice?” Tony says, “You used to be a nice California boy when you came here.”.
“Just give me a drink.”
“No, not today.”

Later on in the night. Standing out there in the warm summer night air. Watching all the herds of club people walking around the meatpacking neighborhood. These people are mostly a bunch of tools. A guy asked me for a cigarette and when I said no he offered me 10 bucks for one so I sold it to him. There aren’t any delis right around here that they can ever find.

I don’t get home until about 5 in the morning. Sometimes 9 if we go out and party after the shift. Or when I fall asleep on the subway and wake up at Jamaica at the end of the line. Then I have to wait for a train to take me back and when I get out of the subway finally the sun is already back out and I’m wondering how this just happened.

* * *

Chapter 12

Sitting in the chair in the Therapist’s office facing her.

“There are a lot of talented intelligent young people in New York. It doesn’t mean that youre not one of them Hayden.” She says.
Gee Great, I’m thinking.
Taking about how I want to make it already. How I’m fed up and everything. Having to cater to all these people and how there’s all these people out there who don’t have to do shit and it’s all corrupt and I can’t stand it.
“You Need To Get Some Chops Boy!!” she says, getting excited, almost popping out of the chair.

I writer her a check for a hundred dollars and then head out.

* * *

I have to go into work tonight though which completely blows. Because the weathers nice we have the patios open and have to have more servers working. I go to the market on my way in to work and get a coffee and sit upstairs writing. I think about not going in to work. About just quitting or at least just missing this shift. I want to just go home and leave here. Leave all of this. I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. I miss my brother and I just wanted everything to come back to me but I’ve just gotten myself screwed out here I’m thinking. Looking down at the market down below. It’s a nice upscale place. I see the well-dressed people shopping. Buying expensive groceries. People are clean looking wearing nice clothes.
Summer and I wish that I were at the beach right now. Not going in to work in this stupid restaurant I hate this crap!! -- walking on my way in to a shift. Feeling miserable and hating life and hating society and everybody for making me feel like this. I feel like fucking killing myself right now. Tired of this fucking stress and pressure. Sick of my stupid bullshit life and having to go work in this fucking place and not having a damn motorcycle to take out to the beach and having some hot chick to throw on the back of it and shit. FUCK THIS.
* *

Working out on the patio… Later in the night I’m drinking some Rose wine that I snuck out here.

Going to the bar down the street after work and drinking there till 6 in the morning sometimes. Taking a cab home because when I take the subway I pass out on it. wake up at the end of the line and then it takes me forever to get back

Going to get a new job at this restaurant down here where I know the Maitr’d from. The place is really hot and exclusive. He told me that he could bring me over there.

“I’ll let you take me to dinner there” Camilla said to me one night sitting in class. Apparently she likes that place a lot. “If you like get in there and everything,” she said.

Ta hell with her, I’m thinking. Thinking about it though.


Masturbating later after I finally get home.

* * *

Thurs. Afternoon.

Going down to the starbucks downtown at Astor place. Sitting in the window there and watching the people in the street and all the passerbys. All the traffic and the shuffle. The endless storms of people hovering around everywhere Wondering if that girl is out there somewhere. Hoping to see her walk by, have some kind of chance meeting with her.
Sitting in the coffee shop here and thinking how much I wish that I had things and I could get out of this somehow. Sitting there and despairing. Feeling like a nobody. Really wanting to have her and starting to go a little bit crazy about it.

Later on. One of my friends texts me and says that he is bartending and for me to stop by. I go over to his bar later and he serves me a few drinks. I have about 3 or 4 manhattans and he gives me a check for 2 dollars, which is nice.

“Why don’t you come meet me for a drink?” I say to her, as she picks up the phone.
“I’m just hanging out with a few friends over here” she says, but definitely not inviting me over.
Asking her to come meet me somewhere.
I don’t want to leave here. We’re all just hanging out.
You go walking through the streets at night.
Then you later you meet your friend Matt at a bar. He’s with a group of girls.
The five or six of you are all doing shots at this bar.

* * *

Getting out of my class one night and taking a cab over the bridge. Looking at the city lit up from up close and all the great buildings. I rarely see it like this.

Going into work in the summertime. Bringing my flask into work with me. Working the dinner shift.

Going in one night to see Lenny then over at the Westerly Dive.

This place is a lot cooler than the restaurant I’m working in now, I’m thinking, as I walk inside through the narrow door down into the bar area. Everything is kind of old-school looking in here.

* * *
Missing my family right now. Miss being at the beach. Surfing on my longboard. What am I doing out here I’m wondering. Feels pretty lost. Kind of aimless. Working in this damn restaurant.

Dreading work more than anything in the world right now. Just wish that I didn’t have to go in there. I wish that things were different for me somehow—didn’t have to do this—I hate it all—everything—hate all of it and just WISH THAT I WERE OUT OF THIS CRAP!—hate it. Ahhhhhh.

Fuck I don’t want to fucking work right now. I want to go to the fucking Hamptons. Fuck this! Ahhhhh.

* * *

Getting through another shift somehow. Don’t really know how. Can barely even talk to the people. Had a fairly socially retarded night on the floor last night. The one table saying

Taking cabs home from work a lot. Sick of being stuck in that stupid subway and wasting so much of my damn life down there.

Riding over the bridge at night and seeing the city all lit up from up close. I forget how it looks like this sometimes.

* * *

Chapter 13

Friday 4:46 PM (Raining.)

I’m facing out the kitchen window now, hunched over on the sill, wearing my buttoned open work shirt. It’s the middle of summer and there is a beautiful enchanting warm tropical summer rain shower coming down outside. I was scheduled to work out on the patio so I got the night off. It feels marvelous the warm gentle rain as it is soothing me. Gazing out the window I can see the bridge and the city which is partly covered in clouds and looks . Everything looks clam and peaceful. A couple of birds are circling outside.
“Ah Heydonn, you want to be a little birdy” Helda, my roommate says, walking into the kitchen. I start bawking as they circle closer and Helda laughs.
I tried texting Camilla to go for a movie with me. I kind of figured she wouldn’t get back to me.
“Oh leave the poor girl alone”, Helda said to me
“Why don’t you be good muchachito and go to the store and bring some beer back for us?” she says.
“I’m tired of being a good muchachito.” You mumble back.

It is raining harder now and I am still looking out the window. The warm rainy summer breeze is enchanting and in the view it all opens up out the window and it is like everything is right there at your fingertips and that is how you are talking to Helda now like anything is possible. And she is talking about the faces of the Russians she saw today in Brighton beach and how they are all tragic and lost looking. “They are not rushian anymore and not americans either you know.” She is saying but you're not really hearing her. You are looking at the bridge and seeing it disappear into the clouds and the city.

What are you crying about Hayden? The tears feel good as they are running down your face. I don’t know why I’m crying.

You are thinking about your brother David who died and whose birthday passed a little while ago. Thinking about Camilla and how you are sitting here all alone and nobody’s ever gonna love you the way you love other people and how you are just always gonnna be poor old Hayden Brice. How you will never be rich or famous or subjectively loved by the entire world either.


Sat. Night Shift.

By ten o’clock you are beginning to fade. Things are getting very sloppy here. Your busboy has been taking most of the orders for you. He’s been doing a pretty good job. It’s mostly this clubbing crowd and I can’t stand them. The weekend crowd. I just can’t stand waiting on them or talking to them anymore. The busboy tells me what drinks they want to order.
Later on they are taking forever to pay their bill. I ask them if they need some help settling their bill and they don’t like this very much. I’m kind of drunk at this point.
They leave me all these singles on the table. Just enough to cover the bill. No tip.
After this I’m done for the night. I can get my shift drink and then after that I will be completely done. Going to take a cab home again tonight. I like taking the cab and riding over the bridge.

* * *
Things have been in high gear lately.

Talking to Lenny on the phone about getting a job over at his place.
I put in my two weeks notice because things were going bad for me there and I was getting in trouble all the time. I had to have a sit down with one of my managers the other day and I just told her that I was giving my two weeks notice. Instead of sitting there and listening to her give me crap I just decided to give my two weeks instead.
I talked to Lenny over at the new place about it afterward and he told me to “hang on there”. To make it through the two weeks. “Ok” I said, talking to him on the phone outside of my restaurant before going in to work.

Trying to hang on and get through it like he said but I really can’t stand being in there any longer.

Soon you will be blacked out and none of this will matter anymore. In the morning you get a call from your manager saying you have to have a meeting on Monday and not to bother coming into work tonight, which is Sunday. “OK” you say.

“Did you get fired” the hostess says, laying in your bed.
“I think so”.

All this Dreamchasing is wearing me out. Sometimes when I’m on the subway my body just collapses and I go into sleeper mode just like the computer. Sometimes
Starting to feel sad again but it’s a good sadness. Feel like I’m losing things. I love this time right now I wish I could live in this time forever it feels. I wonder if things will ever actually get this good as I imagine. This is as good as it gets. You know this. Life is absolutely perfect right now. You talk to friends and meet with people for dinner and drinks and you have time to yourself now that class is over and you are totally freed up. Everything is in front of you now.

Last Shift

Sat night was your final shift there. I worked every Saturday night since last summer. 5 – 4a in the morning. The patrons seem to have gotten worse over the year. And your drinking has progressed over this time. The past three months you wouldn’t show up to work without a flask. At least a flask. Usually some beers in your locker too. It’s kind of depressing and sad that it’s over. It’s starting to hit you now. You had a lot of good times there. You love the workers. A giant family and you are going to miss all of them. Youre supposed to finish out this week but after sat your not sure they want you back there. That was the drunkest you’ve been in a long time. Completely blacked out. They had to send you home and do your cash out for you and open your locker for you.

Once they sent me home and the manager took my cash out to do for me I couldn’t get my locker open downstairs so The Maitr’d guy walked me downstairs to open my locker for me and then he got it open and it was full of empty beer cans.
He said something to you that little prick but whatever I think he’s jealous that I am leaving here or something. He said he would say something to the Maitr’d over at my new place. Screw that little prick anyway, I was thinking. I finally got out, walking out the front doors and finding my way into a cab to go home. Thank God it’s over.

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